Surprises at a family gathering…is anyone surprised? Old childhood insecurities popped up. I’m not getting enough attention. Nobody knows who I really am. I’m under-appreciated. I’m feeling awkward.
I’ve gotten tired of blaming my mother for any of my fears that were hers. She’s been gone for nearly 30 years. I’ve already changed my life once, perhaps even twice or more. Picked myself up and drove cross-country to Tucson when I was 56. I’ve been here nearly 12 years. I’m on my third career as a writer/editor.
Recognizing my lack of confidence in Minneapolis, when I got back to Tucson I scheduled a therapy tune-up. I want to be strong and happy at Ethan and Steph’s wedding in May.
Old stuff emerged when I least expected it. I was a big-time worrier when I was younger, not a difficult girl like Lena Dunham, who expected therapists to fix everything. But I used to call all my girlfriends for reassurance when a problem arose. I was a ruminator. At age 60 I finally submitted to anxiety medication. And that has made all the difference.
I’m not a worrier anymore. I’ve been happy living in the Tucson sunshine.
But I’m already old and getting older. My kids are all grown-up, launching their own lives. Will I ever be able to retire, write my own stuff?
Maybe I’m too hard on myself. I had a good time in Minneapolis — but not a perfect time. I loved seeing my kids so happy. We had fun conversations with interesting people. We had a lovely time cycling around Minneapolis, crossing the Mississippi River.
“You’re in transition,” my therapist said this week. It was a bit of a jolt. I’m going back to see her next month.